Day 98: Understanding Attachment
Exploring emotional attachments and their impacts on renewal
We often think of attachment as a form of love; proof of care, commitment, or loyalty. But to truly understand the nature of attachment, we must first examine the essence of love itself. Love, in its healthiest expression, is not merely a feeling but an active exchange of emotional presence, understanding, and mutual regard. It is, as psychologist Erich Fromm argued in The Art of Loving (1956), “not merely a strong feeling—it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise.” Love is sustained not through intensity alone but through reciprocity, through the give and take of emotional energy between individuals.
This emotional reciprocity forms the foundation of what we might call emotional equilibrium: a state in which both parties in a relationship experience mutual satisfaction, care, and emotional nourishment. According to contemporary attachment theory, secure relationships are built upon a sense of safety, mutual responsiveness, and consistent emotional attunement (Mikulincer and Shaver, 2007). When the emotional exchange flows in both directions with relative balance, when both individuals feel heard, valued, and seen, the attachment formed is likely to be stable and healthy. This type of connection supports renewal because it does not demand self-sacrifice or distort one’s identity in service of maintaining the bond.
However, love and attachment become more complex when this equilibrium is disrupted. When one individual consistently gives more than they receive, whether emotionally, mentally, or spiritually, a distortion in the emotional contract begins to emerge. Over time, this imbalance can lead to emotional fatigue, resentment, or a subtle erosion of self. These situations, while often disguised as commitment or loyalty, may indicate attachments that have become draining rather than sustaining.
Social psychologist Elaine Hatfield’s theory of equity in relationships (Hatfield, Walster, and Berscheid, 1978) reinforces this idea. People are most satisfied in relationships where the ratio of their contributions and benefits is approximately equal. When inequity arises, whether in perceived effort, affection, or support, it often breeds dissatisfaction and distress. We may remain bound by the memory of emotional fulfillment once felt, or by fear of change, loneliness, or guilt. But clinging to unequal attachments in the name of love can obscure the truth. Love without reciprocity is not love. It is longing disguised as devotion.
As we reflect on renewal, this awareness becomes critical. Not all attachments deserve our continued energy. Some must be rebalanced. Others must be released. Renewal begins with the courage to discern which is which.
An attachment might look like a relationship that no longer feels aligned, a belief that no longer reflects your truth, or even a version of yourself you have outgrown. And yet, letting go can feel like betrayal. The fear whispers: Who will I be without this? What will I lose? What if there is nothing better waiting for me?
But the deeper truth is this. Attachment often masquerades as stability, when in fact, it can be the very weight that keeps us from evolving.
To release does not mean to stop caring. It means to stop clinging. It means to trust the unfolding. It means to let things move freely, people, emotions, even our own identities, so they can either return in a truer form or make space for something new.
Emotional Inventory and Reflection Tools
Use the following reflection questions to take inventory of the emotional exchanges in your life. This practice can be applied not only to romantic or family relationships, but also to friendships, workplace dynamics, casual acquaintances, and even to parts of yourself that you have become attached to out of habit or identity.
Ask yourself:
What relationships in my life consistently leave me feeling nourished, seen, or uplifted?
Which relationships consistently leave me feeling depleted, anxious, invisible, or unworthy?
Where is the emotional exchange mutual and respectful? Where is it one-sided?
Am I clinging to someone or something out of love, or out of fear of what would happen if I let go?
Are there parts of my self-identity that no longer reflect who I am becoming? Am I attached to these out of comfort or legacy?
In my work or community connections, are there expectations I continue to meet that no longer serve my growth?
What would it feel like to loosen my grip on one thing today, just a little?
You do not need to sever every connection, but you do need to see them clearly. The purpose of this inventory is not to judge, but to notice where your energy flows and whether it returns.
Letting go is not the end. It is the quiet beginning of something waiting to bloom.
If this reflection resonated with you, please consider sharing it with someone in your life who may need to hear these words. Post it to your social network, send it to a friend, or bring it up in conversation. The growth of Lucivara’s teachings can only continue if we spread them together, through honest dialogue and shared insight.
Citations
Fromm, E. (1956). The Art of Loving. Harper & Row.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press.
Hatfield, E., Walster, G. W., & Berscheid, E. (1978). Equity: Theory and Research. Allyn & Bacon.
